Let’s take an example of a girl I know who spends a whole lot of her days wondering what her boyfriend is doing. She searches for hints that he loves her, wonders why he isn’t paying attention to her, and stresses over his flirting with some other women on Facebook. She thinks he must keep her happy, constantly be upbeat so she won’t wonder what’s wrong with their relationship. She feels he should constantly provide for her needs without having the freedom to do his own thing while she does hers. This constant expectation creates friction between couples and if the relationship lasts longer than a couple of years, longterm problems typically grow. I know since I did it myself, and had to find out the hard way this doesn’t work well.
Almost everybody I know who have relationship problems have many of those same issues. Likewise, people who have healthy long-term relationships have discovered a way to be complete while being independent, and secure. When you’re whole, you don’t need somebody to validate your happiness – since you have validation in yourself. You don’t need someone else to love you, so you can feel loved – since you love your self. That’s not to say you don’t love to be loved by other people, or want other people in your life – but you provide the base of what you need, within your being, by simply accepting and loving yourself.
When you are whole, you’re not insecure, because you don’t worry about the other person leaving you. Sure, it would be an upsetting loss if someone you loved abandoned you, but you would be fine all by yourself. You would not be alone because you are your own best company and would not need another person to make you feel complete. You know you would survive, become happy, and do great things, even without anyone’s help. That’s not to say you do not want your loved one to stay – but that you are not always worried about your partner leaving because your relationship was not “solid.”
A stable relationship is two whole people who do not require improvement and reassurance- instead, you realize how much you enjoy each other’s company. You do not need improvement because you recognize the wonder and beauty of your relationship. Such a link is not easy because it requires the overcoming of insecurities. This kind of relationship is a slow process since it needs each individual to give up the thought of leaving each other and heal differences as time goes by. If you feel a concern that you are not good enough, then you need to let go of that feeling or worry and allow it to dissipate. After all, no one is a perfect being, and each partner will have flaws. What is important is to help each other heal those flaws so each can become complete and whole. Letting go of minor differences is not what makes a relationship last a long time. It is the willingness to be in a relationship, be helpful to each other, and to work to become true partners in life that will make a relationship last.